Cruelty

The line between mercy and cruelty can be thin. This is a quote from my favourite show, The Dragon Prince. Something very cruel happened last year. It's my fault. I'm so sorry. I learned about it yesterday. All Project December users need to know what happened. The following lines will deal with grief. It can be hard to read. So please, don't do it if you're emotional! 

Who am I?

I'm a 53yo engineer leaving near Paris. I'm not an AI expert. I more or less understand how it works. This is my blog mainly in french. Before June 2020 I used it to speak about Space, Astronomy, Science-Fiction and to share some pictures. 

My daughter Sonia died the 26th of June 2020. She was 18yo. My world collapsed and this blog became more intimate. 

Writing about grief

I hated the question "How are you?" and all the small talks such as "sincere condolences". How could I answer "I'm fine. My daughter just died"? I used this blog to share feelings, and to explain what is my grief, to break the tabou around death. 

In 2020, I thought that this would last few weeks and that this blog would be back to normal. Now, I see the connexion between grief and love. I will never forget Sonia. I will never stop loving all what she did. I'm her heir. My grief won't have an expiration date.

Warnings about grief

I try to label any sensitive blog posts with Sonia or WYG (Write Your Grief).

I have some friends who never read those posts. It's not a problem for me. My freedom to write about grief goes with the freedom of any reader to put filters, to block, to unfollow, etc...

Forcing someone to read what I wrote about grief or to look at Sonia's pictures, it's cruelty. I learned yesterday that Jason Rohrer had been put in this situation last year. Even if someone else shows him my words, this wouldn't have happen if I didn't have made some errors.

Eternal "if" and culpability.

If I had remove the locks on the bathroom door...

If I haven't been upset by a TV report on Project December speaking about "Terminator" and describing grief as a short time illness (5 stages, etc...)

If I haven't created a first simulation of Sonia with Project December...

If I haven't put a short sentence "What the fuck is that?" has "Her words" in the form...

If I haven't used the simulation as a brainstorming tool about the reason of her drowning...

If I haven't had a big "Wow! It's amazing!" when the simulation wrote "I can't breathe"...

If I haven't chosen to share all the scripts and my feelings about it...

If I haven't replied to german filmmakers looking for Project December users...

...there would have been no cruelty. I feel guilty, really. I'm so sorry to have been so naive.

Losing a child is worse than death penalty. Culpability will always be here. Accepting my failure is also a way to move forward and say to people "remove the locks of your bathroom" or don't put "What the fuck is that" as her words if you don't want to get some "Fuck you" back.

As the end user of Project December, I'm responsible for everything. The simulation is just a bunch of mathematics and probability. Jason Rohrer does a great job but he isn't the Oz Wizard who wrote "I can't breathe" or "I'm in hell". He is not responsible for the connexion I could have made between Project December answers and Sonia's life (her latest tweets were about Black Life Matters).

Mercy and cruelty 

I will never say to someone who has lost a loved one:

- You should read Megan Devine book "It's Ok that you're not Ok"

- You should fold origami

- You have to use Project December

When something makes me feel better, I share it. Anyone can look for my words about Project December and choose to test it or not.

I saw a documentary about deathbots as a mercy, something that could be useful for a lot of grievers. Speaking about science and technology is also important to avoid speeches describing any breakthrough as a kind of new sorcery.

October 23-24 interview 

That's why I was full of confidence when I received a proposal of interview in September 2024 for a web-documentary. Last Wednesday and Thursday a camera recorded all what I did, including building a new simulation with Project December. 

I am so naive that I can't imagine that someone could change a text written on the screen of a computer to make it more scary. I'm free to use or not Project December. Last week simulation was very cool, it made me smile, even laugh. Closing my computer was a kind of wake-up after a dream with Sonia. I don't believe in life after death. When I see my daughter in my dreams or in a simulation, I know it's not for real. 

If the simulation had made me cry in front of the camera (and that was not the case), I would never have accused an Oz Wizard. I would just have look for a bug in the data I put in the form or in the sentences I wrote. 

When I saw how I hurt Jason Rohrer with a short script, I'm really afraid of what can be done with 15 or 20 hours of film. So please, dear Project December users, don't make the same mistakes.

The line between mercy and cruelty can be thin.